"Um, the baby exploded"

Some of my friends never want to have kids. When asked why, they usually cite the gross aspects of parenthood. They don’t want to deal with the poop, the pee and all the other fluid-filled adventures. When people decide to become parents, they decide to accept these unpleasantries with the knowledge that their adorable progeny’s love and cuteness will more than make up for all the messes.

What new parents might not realize, though, is just how far a baby can fire his or her bodily fluids. For example, I didn’t know that a peeing baby girl could clear a changing table with her urine stream, earning the honor of becoming the first family member (including the dogs) to pee on our new carpet.

A few days ago, our happy family was gathered together on the couch, watching TV. I was holding the baby, trying to teach her how to stand up, in the hopes that she can make it into the Guinness Book of World Records as the strongest baby ever. It was a happy moment. It ended quickly.

Suddenly, Kaylee exploded, spitting up all over my chest. This was the very first time in my life that I’ve experienced the feeling of vomit running slowly down the inside of my shirt. And let me tell you, there is nothing quite like the feeling of warm vomit pooling in your belly button.

Naturally, I immediately handed her off to Rob so I could clean myself up. We both assumed our volcano baby was finished erupting.

I was in our bedroom changing clothes when I heard Rob saying, “Oh God, oh God. What do I do?”

I looked up to see Rob coming down the hall, holding the baby out in front of him while she sprayed the carpet, the wall and generally everything else within a three-foot radius. It was amazing. I didn’t think she could have that much formula in her.

And behind Rob, our dog Kody followed with glee, cleaning the carpet with his tongue.

Which leads me, finally, to my point: All parents should own dogs, for cleaning purposes.